It has been a long while since the last time.  Christmas and New Year's came and went, winter quarter has been underway for some time.  Good luck on all the midterms and papers, I know everyone is mad stressed right now.  SASA show, the last hurrah on Cahn stage.  The show was so much fun, the energy was great, it just sucked that it was the last one, and that everyone got sick afterwards too.  Still, one of the best nights this year, easy.

So, why am I even posting anything right now?  Well, Valentine's day is coming up, and as I've never really been that into the holiday, sometimes you just get hooked and want to experience it.  While I am not avidly looking for a valentine, I wouldn't mind one at all; I feel like it could be a fun date and every now and then a person needs some measure of excitement in their life.  But that's not why I'm writing now.  My post has to do a lot with the conversations many of my friends have and I myself consider a lot: the perfect woman.

My perfect woman doesn't have to be Indian, or even something other than white.  I like my culture and I like my heritage but differing wouldn't bother me.  She has to be open to experiences, though.  She should be willing to eat Indian food, wear a sari, just like I'd be willing to do whatever if presented to me.  I want a girl who has a good sense about family.  Not annoyingly close to her family, where she has to speak to her parents 4 times a day, but a clear understanding of how important they are and respectful of them.  At the same time, I want a girl who is independent, strong-willed and willing to try things without having anyone approve.  I want a girl who'll make me want to be a family man, make me want to think about settling down (shocking?).  My perfect woman is religious, not because she has to be but because she knows enough to want to be, and is fine with my choice on the matter.  She doesn't really enjoy Bollywood either, but understand enough of it to watch a Hindi flick.  The perfect girl wants to experience as much as she can while she's still young and doesn't want to be in one city for the rest of her life.

My perfect girl who wouldn't mind wearing glasses, a hoodie and sweats when we hung out, but at the same time still likes getting dolled up when the mood is right.  I want a girl who is comfortable being scrubbed out with me because she knows her appearance isn't everything.  My perfect girl wears makeup every now and then but doesn't rely on it everyday of her life.  I want a girl who likes to party and can handle her liquor, but not a girl who can't seem to find any happiness unless she's wasted or turns into someone different when she drinks.  My perfect girl is tight with her friends when she goes out and doesn't want to be around me all the time and wants me to hang out with my friends.  She also likes to just hang out every now and then, the 2 of us.  I want a girl who doesn't mind being publicly affectionate, even though I'm not 100% comfortable with it.  She should just grab my hand when we walk or hug when we meet, and I'll follow suit.  I want a girl who I can wrap my arms around and lift up when we hug, but not so short that this is done by me just standing up (sorry Neel).  She's been through relationships before, is a veteran and not a novice, and also still has some innocence.  She also knows when it's important to not have fun and do work, but unwinds easily afterwards.

My perfect girl would look me in the eye and tell me what's wrong with me, not try to cater to how I would feel.  She'd be willing to go shopping with me (because I hate it) and not mind me eating so much all the time.  I want a girl who works out (or at least keeps in shape) because that's all I need to keep my workout trend.  My perfect girl also loves to dance, wouldn't mind taking a class or two with me, and when a good song comes always rocks out regardless.  Afterwards, she wouldn't mind me carrying her home because her shoes make her feet hurt.  I want a girl who likes to cuddle (big or little spoon) whenever she feels like it.  She loves to sleep in too, and is definately not a morning person.  I want a girl who has long hair and doesn't mind it being down or if I constantly run my fingers through it.  My perfect girl wouldn't mind cooking dinner with me when we're bored but also loves to order pizza as a late night snack.  My perfect girl is so much more together than I am, but still needs a shoulder a cry on.  She also wants to try crazy things, like sky diving or bungee jumping.  My perfect girl would know when I don't want to talk or know when I'm not ok, and likewise would be someone who shows me when she feels the same way.

The perfect girl love to read random books, sometimes just going to the store to read.  She loves old music, old Nickelodeon shows, old Disney movies, and will still suffer through the Jean Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie.  My perfect girl knows how to give a good massage and is willing to give and receive (not just one).  She has a nice stomach too and isn't afraid to wear shorts and show off her legs.  She sometimes forgets to think before she speaks or acts, but is always quick enough to fix a blunder.  She wouldn't be the jealous type, but does sometimes feel that emotion and voices it.  She would also know that sometimes calling or texting at 3am puts a smile on my face, however short our conversation may be.  My perfect girl would make cookies just for kicks and then not let me have any till I did something for them.  She also knows how to play an instrument or sing.  Most importantly, when we're together, she makes me forget about every other girl and focus just on her.

There's always more, but for now, this is good enough.  Hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day....jsk \

"Finding those who can comprehend the emptiness of your heat, diagnosing and ameliorating its ailments, can keep you productively engaged when your loneliness is at its worst." - Martha Beck

For those of you who are in a particularly good mood, I'm going to warn you that this post will probably not lift your spirits. . . if it does, then you are odd and blessed. . . for those of you down or just not moody, this may or may not be what you need...hopefully

Hope is one of those things that has helped us limp along in the worst of times . . . . hope that it will all be better soon, that all we have foreboding will commence with ease or will just go away . . . Unfortunately for most of us, hope has a habit of letting us down often...the hope we hold on to ends up being the root of the pain we feel . . . . . Oddly enough we feel worse because the joy in the possibilities hope brings are harder to lose than is the actual experience...

This is a characteristic of so many things in life . . . I can't even consider talking about them all . . . but the reason I came up with this was because of my own, recent understanding of this hope loss . . . . which is the purpose of the opening quote . . . Loneliness . . . I've told so many of you about how I feel about it and so many of you have told me I'm full of shit . . . . . . well, we're both right

That idea, that hope, that soon your loneliness may in fact disappear, may in fact cease to exist for an unknown period of time is a powerful thing . . . even for someone who says loneliness is something their getting used to...the idea that you might have that special feeling is powerful . . . so much so that the understanding of its loss is shaking . . . even for someone who wants to be lonely forever . . . The brain and your heart are difficult, and for most of us impossible to control . . . . downs are hard, but not to the degree that you'll never stand tall again . . . . ups are great, but even then we consider all the harms and possibilities of a fall...

So what do we call this?  Is it hope?  We certainly hope for great things when we are without them . . . but what is the opposite . . . what is the feeling we have at the top?  Is it fear?  Is it paranoia?  Or is it just another type of hope?

In the end, I love having hope.  Hope is a great and terrible thing.  Having hope is your happiest thought and a damning sentence.  What would we do without it?  We'd probably be too oblivious to opportunity and ride the wave of the present always . . .

In the end, for the lonely shepherd I am . . . I'm just as susceptible to hope as the next person . . . but the most beneficial thing ( for lack of a better word ) is that I will always love the positive hope . . . and I am becoming very used to the negative kind . . .

jsk \

P . S. Sorry to Nishu, P. Didi, Shrimp, Mom and Dad . . . for not being able to be home for Rakhi, Diwali, and in general . . . 

I feel like...Pandora's Box

For those of you not as in tune with Greek Myth...Pandora was a women of unsurmounting beauty forged by the Gods out of spite for the robbery of fire.  She was given to man with a jar and was told never to open it...but womanly curiousity got the best of her and as some stories say, she unleashed suffering, disease, pain, sorrow and other not so happy things upon the Earth...at the end of which she heard a tiny voice still in the box....hope

One can spend a lot of time bottling feelings and harboring inside what they think...eventually people say the bottle starts to shake and the inevitable explosion of emotions happens....but that's actually not how it works... by the way, bottling emotions, oddly, is usually better than lashing out and "blowing off steam" (at least that's what psychologists say)...but I digress

No, it's not the bottle of soda/pop being shaken over and over again...it's not bound to explode on a whim (aka something external)....it's more like....the box you stuff your thoughts and qualms in...it's that box full of your pain, your annoyances, your loathing, your remorse, your loneliness, your nostalgia, and whatever else you have stored...it's that box you threw into your closet somewhere...not because it was junk but because you're not keen on opening it (actually that's more of the-ex-bf-shoebox-of-stuff-girls-keep metaphor)...it's the box of all your feelings...good and bad...although at times it feels like the bad vastly outweigh any good ones there are

I've let this box of mine build up for so many years....I almost forget when I started being that walled-off person...I remember high school and Jani Didi telling me I was like a closed book...then people in college referring to me in the same way...that's a lot of time to put things away...especially with as much as has happened...I used to think of myself as a filter...letting things run through and then changing every few years...forgetting...letting go...now I know that's not so easy...you get older but your memory gets better...so I don't remember how I felt in 7th grade but I can tell you exactly how I felt the beginning of 2003...eventually you can't forget things as easily as before

Kannan and I talked about this a while back...he's smarter than I can ever be when dealing with people and intrapersonal issues...he explained it well and showed me how much he's grown as a person and how much more in tune he is than me...but he said we're alike...we put things inside and don't show the hand...that's how some people work, but it begs the question...is there such thing as too much, too many thoughts...shouldn't there have been a snapping point?.....(happy 21st man)

Which leads me to Pandora's Box...full of all the ills in the world...constantly building up...but the story was never "the box spontaneously opened after Zeus put just one more in"...it carried all the world's hurt and could handle even more...it never exploded...and that's because of the most important element....hope

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.  And no good thing ever dies..." - Shawshank Redemption

jsk \

"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked." - Oliver Wendall Holmes

Am I an accurate mind....hardly....do I feel like I'm going crazy....definately

could I explain it to you?  not at all

jsk, good luck